Wednesday, October 13, 2004

The Debates! Kerry VS Bush

What's interesting to me about George Bush is that he is a republican. Don't republicans believe most strongly that government should not have a role in people's personal lives? Well what's his deal with gay marriage? Now most who know me know that I believe that the whole issue is a fucked up smoke screen and that I am far from gay marriage advocate but I take any opportunity to point out GW's hypocrisy.

Bush says that he does not believe in “legislating his faith” however he's introduced legislation that would ad anti gay and anti gay marriage language to the constitution. Marriage is between a man and a woman and he supports a constitutional amendment to protect that belief. Hmmm. Marriage between a man and a woman is a particularly Judeo-Christian tenant. If this does not qualify as legislating one’s faith I can't imagine what would. Need I go into his position on Roe Vs Wade? His belief against abortion is firmly rooted in his Christian faith.

I've figured out that republicans believe in the form of government that suites them best at the time. If over involved invasive government supports their agenda, in the moment, then that is the kind of government they believe in. If smaller government that is less involved in people's personal lives (no universal health care) suits their agenda, in the moment, then that is the kind of government they believe in.

The double talk party!

Skinny Girl Shit

The below is an excerpt from an email conversation that I had with a good friend and Aunty Malik. Malik forwarded me an email that was going around poking fun at Star Jones's husband. The email suggested that he was gay. After a couple of back an forths between Malik and I sent this very conversationally written email...

That other light skinned woman too. Toni Braxton, a queen. But she's skinny and "fine" and her man is not assumed "gay." Every time a big sistah has a man speculation about his intention are abound.

Oprah- Stedman is gay or in it for the money. No one can figure it out. Further no one has ever considered that she does not want to marry him. The accepted assumption is that Stedman won't marry Oprah. I will concede that sexism and beliefs about women/men and marriage probably contribute some to the assumptions. It's funny because in the 80s there was another high profile couple (Goldie Hawn and that man) that were together in a loving relationship for years and never married, no assumptions were made about his sexuality or intentions, they just wanted to be together and not get married.

Star- he's gay. I really think that we as LGBT people have to be the leaders in accepting gender transgressions. If every time a man tries to escape patriarchal expectations we as LGBT folks join in the attacks we will never get anywhere. He can be fem in appearance and not be gay. How many straight male queens do you know personally? I know at least one who puts on gender when needed to avoid scrutiny.

Monique- he's with her for the money and he's gay. He's fine!

Aretha- well, her man was gay

Kelly Price- can't wait till she goes public with a man. I wonder what people will say.

You never hear of women who are deemed beautiful by societal conventions having to defend the intentions or the sexuality of there husbands in public. There aren't many fat black women who are in the public eye however if you use percentages I would estimate that at least 50% of them have had to defend the sexuality and intentions of the men who have chosen to partner with them. Another 25% have not gone public about any romantic relationship at all.

I don't know if I've spoken with you about it before but I have experienced first hand the effect that shame can have on the willingness of men who are attracted to big bodies to love big bodies. I have rarely brought men that I was involved with into community and when I did appear with men that I was involved with I have never made the nature of our relationship known. In part probably because I've internalized some of this shame. But it has been all to easy for me to sale the idea that I have not been in a relationship to too many in our extended circle. None of the people who readily acknowledge my caring, intelligence, charisma, and endearing nature have ever stopped to say "wait a minute Kevin, your a bright, charismatic, endearing guy why haven't you been in a relationship?"

The reaction of BQs and hetero people to seeing me with men that I'm obviously involved sexually with are limited to 4 categories that I will explain in this email:


I have had sexual relationships with some very beautiful men when appearing in public with these men other Bqs have assumed that we were not a couple and taken the liberty to approach the man that I appeared with or worse approach me and ask me to tell him that they think he is cute or ask me questions about his relationship status.

He don't know he can have better-

The most hurtful because it often comes from my friends is the "He don't know he can do better approach," I have also called this phenomenon "Skinny bitch angst." In this phenomena the skinny bitch, having received verification of the nature of the relationship of the "cute" guy and me will decide "if he goes for me he will surely go with her." I have had friends tell men in my presence that they were cute enough to get them or remind them that they probably don't want to be rolling around with a big bitch like me. Most of my close friends upon meeting men that I am sexually involved with have pulled this stunt at one time or another. That's why I hang with Lesbians! (Disclaimer: Charles and Robert have never tried this shit with my dates) What's worse is that I often get this from other big people!

and Open attacks and shaming-

I have been in clubs where the reaction to guys dancing with me have gone from surreptitious giggling to open taunts and hate attacks like "That's a lot to handle," or "Be careful not to let her sit on you," or "Well we know who's on top!" or "Baby he gone get lost in all that." This I think is the most effective of the methods.

Oh the other one, Disqualifying the attraction- "He must be paying him." "He's with her for the money." "A mercy fuck." "He's a crack head." I actually challenged my children Justin and Omar about this. I was constantly confronted by the perception that the guys they saw me with were somehow unsavory. Suggestions that guys I was with were crack heads or hustlers caused me to confront them openly at an Ynkuya family gathering. My other child Tai, who used to be fat immediately understood and advocated my point that every time Justin and Omar saw me with a man they expressed that he must either be a crack head or a hustler. I actually witnessed a lover's quarrel outside of Bulldogs once when a conventionally attractive brother yelled desperately at a fat brother who was near tears "fuck that, I'm with you! Can you get that through your head? I'm with you!" I was walking to fast to hear the rest of the conversation. I don't like to tarry to long in front of one of hell's portals. But I wondered if the problem was the fat partner getting it through his head or the hateful Butch queens in the club getting it through their heads.

I'm convinced that there are men who are attracted to big men and big women. Had I been more vigilant about my monitoring process I could actually quantify this for you. (LOL) However, few men are willing to engage in an openly sexual relationship with big bodied people. I liken the shaming to the shame that we have all experienced when we contemplated being seen in public with male lovers for the first time. Many men are scared to be connected to big men and I have been the personal recipient of skinny bitch anger when I have been with a guy that they felt entitled to be with.

Real situations:

While x and I were working out our sexual tension Omar and Justin, even though they knew that x was neither Crack head or Hustler (one out of two aint bad), constantly undermined our process. While x is an exhibitionist and was constantly affectionate with me in public all the skinny bitches fell into one of the above categories in responding to our often public affection.

While x and I were working out our sexual tension I often was confronted with anger from J and disbelief from most of my friends that our attraction was mutual. When x fabricated a story of what happened THAT NIGHT everyone who heard the story was more than ready to believe it because it was easier than believing that a cute and very small guy would be interested in a fat man like myself. Even though anyone who has paid attention knows that x's record suggest that he loves a thick red bitch. I actually began to question what happened until I talked to other people who where at that party who reinforced my memories.

While hooking up at Lorreta's with a very sexy guy, L approached the table that we were sitting at (member when Lorreta's had tables?) threw himself into the lap of the guy that was digging me and announced that he did not have to go home with me he could fuck her instead. You might say "Oh the bitch was drunk." She don't drink.

Another friend another night at Lorreta's angrily asked a boy, do you really want to be laid up with all o that? My wonderful date aptly replied "some people like all o that."

At another club while sitting at a bar with a guy that had expressed a desire for me and actually left another club to come with me to that club where my best friend was performing (ambrosia devour), I placed my hand on my dates knee and was surprised moments later when a hand moved on top of my hand from the bar stool on the other side of my date. It took me a minute to realize that it was my best friend's hand. She was drunk and high and later dismissed her behavior by highlighting her intoxication.

At any rate I've gone off on a tangent.

The final analysis:
No fats no fems is a strictly enforced societal norm that we contribute to by taking part in conversations that suggest Star's and other fat peoples partners are not with them because they are attracted to them.
If Star's man is gay she deserves to live out her relationship in oblivion with all the skinny bitches that have partnered with "Obviously gay men."

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Cosby, Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is, or Keep Your Mouth Where Your Money Is.

Bill Cosby claims that the “Lower economic class” of Black people is not carrying it’s weight. Sighting $100 dollar sneakers and expensive cars, as evidence that poor Black people are some how not doing their part, Bill Cosby sounds conspicuously like the Welfare Queen Witch Hunters of the mid 1980s. While his money has not made it into poor Black Communities over the years, Cosby’s judgmental, self-righteous commentary certainly has. Like George Bush’s, “No Child Left Behind Act,” Cosby’s concern for poor blacks is simple under funded rhetoric.
While Mr. Cosby is a noted philanthropist he is best known for his contributions to Historically Black Colleges and Universities and not for his Urban Development or Anti-poverty efforts.
It seems to me that if Cosby’s comments where generated by real and genuine concern for poor black people his money would follow suite and end up in the bank accounts of charities that have poor people as their interest rather than adding to the already huge endowments of historically black colleges and universities that cater to middle class and wealthy blacks.
Bill Cosby, however, has been noted for giving millions of dollars over the years to HBCUs. Dormitories, cafeterias, auditoriums, courtyards have popped up on college campuses all over the United states baring the Cosby name. The Cosby’s have given Millions of dollars to Morehouse College alone. One can only wonder if Mr. Cosby’s commentary makes it into the lives of Historically Black colleges and Universities with the same vigor as they make it into the lives of poor blacks?”
While educators, students, parents and health officials have engaged in discourse about the release of a 2003 study that suggest that Young Black men on HBCU campuses are disproportionately impacted by HIV and AIDS and are largely unaware of their HIV sero-positive status, Mr. Cosby has not joined the discourse. When huge organizations like NAACP and the National Urban League gave Cosby a platform for his opinions he opted to squander this resource away on jokes and disparaging remarks about poor people instead of addressing the multiplicity of problems at Black colleges.
Some may remember that while the nation buzzed in 2002 at the brutal beating of a young college student who was bludgeoned nearly to death while attending Morehouse College, a major recipient of Cosby dollars and the school of Cosby’s beloved departed son Enus, Cosby was silent. While organizations and leaders all over the country called upon Morehouse college to deal with the culture of homophobia and anti-gay violence on it’s campus Mr. Cosby one of their biggest contributors was unheard from. While Coretta King, Spike Lee, and other leaders and celebrities with connections to Morehouse cried out Cosby hushed.
While Mr. Cosby is more than willing to contribute dollars Black colleges he seems to turn a blind eye and a shut mouth to the issues that these institutions are plagued by. Conversely Mr. Cosby turns an empty hand at poor black communities but is more than willing to offer his critique of poor black families, parents and children. My hope is that Mr. Cosby will put some funding behind his rhetoric and support the development of the poor communities that he seems to be so concerned about, and that he shows some concern for what’s going on at the colleges that he give his money to so freely. In essence, my recommendation to Mr. Cosby is, Put your money where your mouth is, and keep your mouth where your money is. Then maybe one more member of the Upper Economic Class will be pulling his weight.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Cynthia Is Back!!!!!

Yes folks with 52% of the vote district 4 Cynthia Mckiney is the Democrat selected to run for the US Congress representing the folks of Dekalb county. Cathy kiss an ass and take a break from public life. Hah!!! No seat anywhere municipal or federal! Hah!!!
Go Cynthia!!!!!!!

Monday, July 12, 2004

HRC Turn Tails

So After years of Cynthia McKinney being a staunch ally to the LGBT community HRC turned tail. The idea that they have endorsed Cathy Woolard, who although she is gay does not have a good track record of hearing the gay community. It's no shade either. I lived for her as city council woman but when it comes down to her and Cynthia. Hmmm. To get a personal look at HRC's hipocracy take a look at there website Congressional Score-cards

Sunday, July 11, 2004

If that was the case bitch I never would have hired yo ass!!!

Have you ever met someone who no matter what happens in there life they accept no responsibility? I mean I have this person in my life that I gave a job to. She was my friend so I had to convince my supervisors that she was the best person for the job, which I honestly thought she was. Then guess what she did. She fucked it over, she pissed and shit on the job and did absolutely nothing with it. Being the cancerian that I am and considering myself a process queen I talked to her. And I talked and I talked and I talked. In the end I had in 7 months 3 write-ups. So she comes into work an hour and a half late and says she was getting her hair did and it took longer than she thought and then she had some things to do. So of course I should understand right? No! I fired the bitch. Now she's telling all our other friends that I some how imposed expectations upon her that I would not have imposed upon someone who was not my friend. My response: If that was the case bitch, I never would have hired your ass.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

On Christians, Christ, Dogma and Rhetoric: Saved, the motion picture.

So I went to see the movie saved today. I have decided that this movie is the perfect response to the Mel Gibson movie "The Passion of Christ." While the passion upset and worried me, because of it's violence, and it's anti-semitism the satiric comedy of Saved was a refreshing dose of counter Christianity. I think I use the word counter instead of anti because while I definitely think Saved challenges some of the rigid messages put out by mainstream Christianity it is not particularly against Christianity. Like me.

I think that some of the really extremist messages that mainstream Christian culture have been putting out recently have been really dangerous. Anti-Islamic and Arab sentiment, anti-gay sentiment, all or nothing Christ or Hell messages and imperial rhetoric including catch phrases like civilization, and evil are all phenomenon that are currently being driven by mainstream Christian values.

On True Christians

I think that so much of what passes for Christianity is completely unchristian and anti-Christ. The picture that I have gotten of Jesus, who Christians call there Christ,is not a picture of a man who was rigid in his idea about human worth, value and goodness. I cannot recall Jesus insisting that one under go specific religious ceremony in order to be considered for the "Kingdom of Heaven." Infact I seem to remember Jesus coming under fire by the Jewish aristocracy of his time for declaring circumcision an unnecessary - I seem to remember something about circumcision of the heart- ritual. The man that I, from my studies, know Jesus to have been would never approach humanity with the judgmental attitudes of mainstream Christianity. So much of what has been attributed to him has been done so wrongly. He was not a stickler for rules. Jesus was about humanity and goodness. I am far from Christian in my spiritual belief system. But because I respect the legacy of Jesus it angers me when Christian war-mongers attribute their killing and mayhem to the teachings of Jesus. When oppression of LGBT folks and women is given to Jesus as if it is his I am offended.
Thus, I was refreshed and invigorated by the movie saved. It allowed me to laugh at much of what I have tolerated from the extremely Christian. Poking fun at the way that Christianity excludes humans from being considered good if they do not get baptized or if they are of another spiritual path is so so so validating for me. I loved this movie. I think that it was such a good answer to gibson's violent, and gruesome portrayal of Christ.

The Passion Of Christ

Once again I found myself offended, as a non-Christian Christ fan, at the editing out of the life and ministry of Jesus of Nazareth, in favor of the gruesome details of his death. But it occurs to me that Christianity, in it's modern form is not about the example of Christ's life at all. Christians do not try to live according to the example that Jesus left. Most of them any way. My experience with most Christians is that instead of living by his life example they opt to use his death to coerce non-Christians and Christians alike into self imposed subjugation. This is the spirit that I believe this movie was made in.

Final Analysis

My final analysis of Christ, Christianity, Christian dogma and rhetoric is, I don't give a rats ass that Jesus died for me! What I do care about is that he lived for me. It is in this spirit that I live, as a non-Christian Christ fan striving to follow his example of good will, charity, neighborhood, bristahood, and peace. If Christians wood focus more on how he lived than how he died I believe that the Christian dominated world would be a much better place.

Friday, July 09, 2004

What to blog?

Well the pressure is definately on. I have not been blogging much, at least compared to the blogging of my blogging comrades. I didn't know when I started this that I would be called upon to blog about something ever day. But now I see that they are blogging nightly after work and blogging mostly about work. It's funny how this little thing that I wanted to do has sorta turned into a little underground subculture at my place of employment. It started with me, no matter what anybody tells you, then Malik had a sort of blog revival and brought his previously existing blog out of the closet to be dusted off and set center stage again, then Charles blogged on, then Neena, who has probably been the most active blogger, then Shanta and now Shanta's current bow is in the mix. I've read everyone's blogs and am very impressed. But increasingly folks are coming to me and saying "Kevin when are you gonna post again on your blog." I never knew that this thing was going to be so high pressure but I guess the little blogging community that we've created is a good thing. Why? Becuase I am under pressure to write. Which is good becuase I never write anymore. I used to write everyday as sort of therapy, then I got a therapist. Shit! Now I don't write anymore. Until this THE BLOG!!
Now I'm writing at least weekly about whatever. Nothing fancy or ultra intellectual. I guess that's kind of the appeal of this thing. Being able to publish one's ideas with out having to make sure that those ideas are publication worthy before they are put out to the universe for perusal. It's sortof genius. It's so anti establishment it reeks with the odor of exquisite freedom!!!! I can write whatever I want, and it's published probably more widely than if I was to labor over the idea until it is ready to stick in some magazine that goes to the two book stores in the world that will actually carry magazines with Black Gay content.I simply go free flow and write what ever comes to mind. Vhalah!!!! It's posted! I think that this is the cutest thing. Could I ever say cutest if I was tryna publish through more conventional means? No. Could I piece together this stream of ideas the way that it comes into my head at the speed that it reaches my fingers? No. I love it. Event though it is high pressure.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

HIV Test Results

Giving Results To Another

Last week I delivered positive HIV results to two very young brothas. Both of the above young men were under 25, black and gay. As someone who's job it is to prevent the spread of HIV among young brothas and as some one who is more than aware of the serious lifestyle change that a positive HIV test result demands, I felt very inadequate in the moment. While my cancerian ,mothering and emotional caretaking nature usually kicks in when I am dealing with people from this particular group, I was unable to do this with these young men.

While I have counseled hundreds of people in HIV testing situations, and even teach staff and volunteers at AID Atlanta to provide HIV prevention counseling I have never delivered a positive test result until last week. While I have been taught, theoretically, to locate myself with the client while maintaining the appropriate emotional boundaries I was unable to go to a caring place and say the supportive, reassuring things that I knew that I should say. Something was present in the room with me, most probably inside of me, preventing me from doing from behaving in and attending manner. In that moment I, more than ever, identified with the term "Cat got your tongue." Every time I tried to be nurturing something stopped me and kept me professionally distant from these guys.

In actuality nothing I could say would change the reality that at 19 and 22 years old these brothaz now have to take on a level of responsibility for their lives and there health that most of us are not confronted with until old age. I did not feel that I had the right to try to comfort them about having to abandon the carefree, invulnerable spirit of their youth in favor of life.

I did not.

Giving Results To Myself

So today, while trying to forget the positive results that we had given more positive results in days than we usually give in months, I was asked to demonstrate the rapid test procedure to a co-worker. I did. At first I tried to demonstrate with drawings and descriptions and even a little how-to sheet provided by Orasure Technologies. It did not work. After a minute of fumbling with unopened materials and unused lancets and other medical materials I decided to demonstrate the test on myself.

I did this very routinely without thinking much about it. I've found that I am one of the few people that I know who can actually pierce my own skin to do this procedure. I did that. I then mixed my blood with the test solution and place the reader rod in the test solution. It was only after I had performed the test on myself that every bit of sexual activity that I have participated in in the last few month came hurtling against my consciousness causing beads of sweat to form on my brow. I had not seen a negative test result in weeks and now I was testing myself infront of two people with none of the required counseling. I felt anxious. I was scared to death of what my result was going to be.

My result was negative.


It occurs to me that life, sexual life, for gay men is shrouded in an awful lot of fear. I have for a long time worried about becoming HIV positive even though I have avoided high risk behavior. I have not been penetrated without a condom in a number of years and in the last year I have not been penetrated at all. Well except that time in Dallas. So why am I scared of HIV infection? I think that the reason that I am afraid of becoming infected with is because ever since I understood that I was gay, and that the gay that I am is the same gay that the news casters where talking about when they spoke about AIDS, I have understood, also, that I am meant to get HIV. I have believed somewhere within me, as do many gay men, that HIV infection is somehow in my destiny. Unlearning this belief takes combating messages that I get through the media, through public health agencies and prevention programs and from family and church. In popular culture and common public discourse gay men are spoken of almost synonymously with AIDS and vise versa. When the conversations are being had about so called "Men on the DL," sex with men is conflated with a positive HIV sero status. How can one exist in this culture and not believe that gay men are by virtue of their sexuality HIV positive? I am still struggling to figure this out. I am still experiencing anxiety every time I get tested for HIV and every time I have sex.

Friday, July 02, 2004

I love my job. Yesterday however was a very stressful day. I work to provide HIV prevention services to young black gay and bisexual men. Sometimes in the function of my job I am called upon to provide HIV prevention counseling for people who come in to get tested for HIV.

So yesterday, while I was going along in my day I had to deliver results to two young black gay men. Both of these young men who were under 25 were HIV positive. I was so upset and so unable to function in the moment. I for some reason was not able to be the mother-cancer that I usually am in these sort of situations. Something about delivering positive HIV results to two young brothas was arresting.

It's like, a brotha who is at the beginning of his life and I have to tell him that his life will be forever changed. "You know, In about a month you will have constant diarrhea, head aches, pills pills and more pills, uncertainty, doubt, lowered self esteem, nausea and a host of other symptoms of HIV infection. All the mothering and caring in the world cannot keep your life from being radically changed. My words will not wash away the reality of what is happening inside of your body. So what do I say, what do I do? How do I respond? Referring you to my program will not change that reality. For the first time in my career of supporting young black gay and bi men in atlanta I did not know if I could make a difference. I did not know what to do.

Monday, June 28, 2004

911-The Movie

This movie was so so so great. I think that it placed light on this whole Iraq/Afgahnistan thing. Go See the movie!!!

Pride and Prejudice- ANGER

I've been in atlanta for about 10 years and have been working in the Black gay community since 1997. One of the things that I've noticed about white LGBT folks in atlant is that they are both unwilling to open their institutions to black lgbt folks and unwilling to aknowledge the institutions that black folks have created for themselves to fill the gaps. I guess your probably wondering what I'm talking about.

Well I'll try to tell you. Pride weekend, Atlanta Gay Pride weekend is an event taht is touted as Atlanta's pride event. However, there is a Black Gay Pride. The reason there is a Black Gay pride is becasue while Atlanta Pride is supposed to be an empowering experience for Gay people, it is rarely that for black gay people. From the focus of the vendors,to the diversity of the speakers, to the floats in the parade, to the genre of the music stages to the disposition of the park volunteers Atlanta Pride is often an experience that is disenfranchising for Black people. Thus Black people do not participate on any large scale in Atlanta pride. We go to Black gay prideso that we can be proud of our whole selves when we enter.

Recently I was challenged for not participating in white pride (as I will call it because this is what Black gay folks call it). Someone was upset that I had decide to direct my efforts at pride toward young Black gay men. I think it's important to mention here that I am paid to direct my efforts toward young black gay men. It was stated that, because I was going to act at pride in such a way that the majority of the folks that I came into contact with would be the folks that I am paid to come into caontact with, I was being a separatist. White people brought this accusation to my supervisors at my job. What is interesting to me about the willingness of these white people to bring this issue to my supervisors is the assertion that there reasoning was taht Pride needed diversity. I was striking to me that in an attempt to appear diverse these white people would try to force me, the black guy, to participate in these events,with threats to my job. I-fucking-ronic.

This is frustrating to me because I think that people are not willing to challenge racism. Black people are scared to do it because they don't want to be placed in the angry black gurl box that whites often place black folks in when they are willing to challenge or even aknowlege racism. The white folks won't do it because they don't see it, they are not the ones experienceing it. I am also frustrated because no matter how I try it seems that I cannot get away from institutionalized racism. I have removed myself from YP and moved into an agency where all of the people who I report to Directly or indirectly are BLACK. Racism is so powerful however, and white people have so much influence that they are able to threaten my lively hood from teers below wher my supervisors stand in the organization framework. Sometimes racism poses a threat from completely outside of the organizational structure.

I was under so much pressure this weekend (Pride 2004) to be seen in the park at the festival and to stay out there doing outreach even though it was storming. Why? Because the whitefolks were threatening my job and using accusations of seperatism and black anger to do it. Having been confronted about Pride I felt required to be in a place that it made little since for me to be in because it was said that I was being racist. Isn't that CRAZY? Since when did black folks get to be racist? Since when did we become responsible for the racial devide in american? Why the fuk am I responsible for diversity? Why the fuck can't they build diversity instead of looking to a single black guy or gurl to be responsible for such?

Why don't white people do the work to really make there organizations diverse, welcoming, inclusive instead of being angry at us for building organizatons that welcome and include us?

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Conference, Cards, and Counseling: A Day In The Life Of Me

I've been at a conference all week. The National HIV Prevention Leadership Summit. The conference is very relevant to my job. So I volunteered in order to avoid registration cost and such. I'll never enter such an arrangement again. This experience was a lesson in How not to manage volunteers. I attended only two sessions. Both sessions were about "Men On The DL." The reason I was so pissed by both of the sessions is because they were so indicative of the way that sensationalism can remove all logic from society. I mean we are HIV Prevention Professionals in a room jumping on the bad wagon of warning women against dangerous Black Gay Men who are out to infect them with HIV. It seems that we, as HIV prevention professionals, would spend our time and resources on warning women against having unprotected sexual intercourse with persons of positive or unknown HIV serostatus. This was not the case. I think that everyone is looking for a way to turn this into a catalyst to fame for themselves. To Late! JL King has already done this and the popular black media is not interested in anyone more qualified than he. He has them mesmerized. It’s sad really. So I made a lot of noise in the work shop sessions. Reminded everyone that we must begin to approach this topic more critically and analytically. I used the words un-pack this conversation. Easier to spell and understand. I warned them that black men have forever, since reconstruction in the south, been pictured as the owners of dangerous sexuality, that AIDS does not belong solely to Gay men and that a man's sex with another man does not automatically make him HIV positive. I also reminded them that in a social context were the media is granting gay men increased attention that it's probably not by accident that the attention granted white gay men comes through "Will and Grace", Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, and 101 television specials divided between MTV and VH1, while increased attention for Black Gay Men means Oprah talking about how we pose a threat to Black Women. It's a mess!

So I leave the conference with a couple of new friends and a couple of old friends to attend a party. On the way we stop, with our host, at the grocery store to pick up what's needed for the Rice and Peas, and some beverages. While in the grocery store I spent my time looking at the parade of beautiful black men that chose to use that grocery store that day. It was lots of fun. They had week coffee that they charged a fair price for. So I drank coffee while my friends shopped for coconut milk and par-boiled rice. We went from there to the home of our host, a lean bodied, brown skinned, dread lock wearing, Black Gay man who enjoys people enjoying the sight of his body. He spent most of the time at his house with his shirt off and his dick swinging back and forth through a thin pair of sweat pants. Fun! I looked plenty but got the feeling that touches from me would not have been welcomed. So I didn't touch. We played spades, drank rum and coke, vodka and cranberries, and spiked punch while eating barbeque baked chicken, rice and peas, and mac and cheese. It was a great time until a couple of brothaz walking through the final stages of a pre-mature relationship showed up with their 10 month long disagreement (the relationship) and turned the party into a counseling session for themselves. This is when the party became a mess and I realized how much I hate being drunk. Boy A has this control complex and bosses boy B around the entire time we are at the party. IT was ridiculous. He groped me in the kitchen while his boy friend presumably played cards in the other room. That is until the boyfriend responded to the silence in the kitchen by peeking in and found his boyfriend with his drunken hand about my waist. Awkward for me? Yes. So I took a sip of my rum and coke and retreated to the living room. When they returned they spent about ten minutes wrapped in a contrived, though distracting, embrace until the controlled one mentioned how unable he was to pay attention to the way the cards were being played. The controller jumped up in a drunken pathetic rage and screaming "Yeah, your right, I'm a fucking distraction!" We were successful at keeping the controlled engaged with the cards for about ten additional minutes until he stormed out of the room into the parking lot in fron of the party host's apartment. One of my friends followed, leaving the unfinished game of spades behind as well as the controller in the kitchen being attended to by several older gay men. Next out to the aid of the controlled was another friend named Mark then me several moments later. I went out of shear boredom and the lack of enthusiasm about going into the kitchen to chat with the controllers group. So I went outside for a walk that lasted for about 20 minutes and returned to join those trying to convince the controlled to dump the controller. I felt like I was singing with sweet honey n the rock. You know that song they do about domestic violence? I think it's called RUN. A sorry end to a party that had so much potential. It got even more sorry when we began discussing the end of the party. It was time to go. I would be leaving but the only person with a car was the controller and there was no room for me and my brother who was at the party with me. So I was told that I had to take a cab by someone who knew I had no money. So they had to give me money. Very uncomfortable for me. God I hate shit like that. So I had a night that started out really cool and ended really ummm, not cool.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

A good book

I think that I would rather have a good book than good sex. LOL I'm serious. I am reading this book now called My Soul To Keep by tanarive due. I really don't know if my assessment is acurate because it comes after the drudging work reading Alice Walker new Now Is The Time To Open Your Heart. The book is a lovely sentiment really but Alice has done much better. I mean there was not a single plot. The book has no plot. Can you imagine trying to read a book that has not a single plot to compell your reading onward. I don't think that this a a good direction for alice walker. I mean By the light of my father's smile had a very weak plot that did nothing for me and now this. Now is the time to write another good book. Really after Meridian, Temple, and Purple, let's not even talk about The THird Life of Grang Coapland. Aren't artist suposed to get better as time goes by? Not only is she really not a nice person, I've met her several times to get books autographed at signings and she is very un-friendly. She's said some pretty snyde things to me that she would probably not even remember, but I've always lived for her writing. I mean Grang Copeland was transformative. If every Black Man on the planet could read that 1 book I think that we would transform over night. But this.

At any rate I was talking about Tananarive Due's My Soul TO Keep. This book is wonderful. I mean Black Fantasy-Fiction. Who ever writes this. I mean with contemporary Black characters, references to black pop culture, and a mythology that deals with Black men from North Africa who have been bestowed with the gift of immortality through a ritual in which the "Blood of Christ" has been injected into them at the moment just before they died from ingesting poison laced bread. Now they move as a society of immortals bound together by blood and secrets. I love it. I've never read anything like it. Cept Octavia Butler of course. Alice walker touched that way a little with the Temple of My Familiar.

Any ways. I'm tired of writing more to come.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004


Yup I can see that this is going to be fun. I have to run because my ride is leaving me but I will be posting many ummm post here soon. Keep your eyes peeled people. This is a very exciting thing for me.