Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Cynthia Is Back!!!!!

Yes folks with 52% of the vote district 4 Cynthia Mckiney is the Democrat selected to run for the US Congress representing the folks of Dekalb county. Cathy kiss an ass and take a break from public life. Hah!!! No seat anywhere municipal or federal! Hah!!!
Go Cynthia!!!!!!!

Monday, July 12, 2004

HRC Turn Tails

So After years of Cynthia McKinney being a staunch ally to the LGBT community HRC turned tail. The idea that they have endorsed Cathy Woolard, who although she is gay does not have a good track record of hearing the gay community. It's no shade either. I lived for her as city council woman but when it comes down to her and Cynthia. Hmmm. To get a personal look at HRC's hipocracy take a look at there website Congressional Score-cards http://capwiz.com/hrc/dbq/vote_info/?command=results&sort=District&state=GA&submit.x=15&submit.y=10

Sunday, July 11, 2004

If that was the case bitch I never would have hired yo ass!!!

Have you ever met someone who no matter what happens in there life they accept no responsibility? I mean I have this person in my life that I gave a job to. She was my friend so I had to convince my supervisors that she was the best person for the job, which I honestly thought she was. Then guess what she did. She fucked it over, she pissed and shit on the job and did absolutely nothing with it. Being the cancerian that I am and considering myself a process queen I talked to her. And I talked and I talked and I talked. In the end I had in 7 months 3 write-ups. So she comes into work an hour and a half late and says she was getting her hair did and it took longer than she thought and then she had some things to do. So of course I should understand right? No! I fired the bitch. Now she's telling all our other friends that I some how imposed expectations upon her that I would not have imposed upon someone who was not my friend. My response: If that was the case bitch, I never would have hired your ass.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

On Christians, Christ, Dogma and Rhetoric: Saved, the motion picture.

So I went to see the movie saved today. I have decided that this movie is the perfect response to the Mel Gibson movie "The Passion of Christ." While the passion upset and worried me, because of it's violence, and it's anti-semitism the satiric comedy of Saved was a refreshing dose of counter Christianity. I think I use the word counter instead of anti because while I definitely think Saved challenges some of the rigid messages put out by mainstream Christianity it is not particularly against Christianity. Like me.

I think that some of the really extremist messages that mainstream Christian culture have been putting out recently have been really dangerous. Anti-Islamic and Arab sentiment, anti-gay sentiment, all or nothing Christ or Hell messages and imperial rhetoric including catch phrases like civilization, and evil are all phenomenon that are currently being driven by mainstream Christian values.

On True Christians

I think that so much of what passes for Christianity is completely unchristian and anti-Christ. The picture that I have gotten of Jesus, who Christians call there Christ,is not a picture of a man who was rigid in his idea about human worth, value and goodness. I cannot recall Jesus insisting that one under go specific religious ceremony in order to be considered for the "Kingdom of Heaven." Infact I seem to remember Jesus coming under fire by the Jewish aristocracy of his time for declaring circumcision an unnecessary - I seem to remember something about circumcision of the heart- ritual. The man that I, from my studies, know Jesus to have been would never approach humanity with the judgmental attitudes of mainstream Christianity. So much of what has been attributed to him has been done so wrongly. He was not a stickler for rules. Jesus was about humanity and goodness. I am far from Christian in my spiritual belief system. But because I respect the legacy of Jesus it angers me when Christian war-mongers attribute their killing and mayhem to the teachings of Jesus. When oppression of LGBT folks and women is given to Jesus as if it is his I am offended.
Thus, I was refreshed and invigorated by the movie saved. It allowed me to laugh at much of what I have tolerated from the extremely Christian. Poking fun at the way that Christianity excludes humans from being considered good if they do not get baptized or if they are of another spiritual path is so so so validating for me. I loved this movie. I think that it was such a good answer to gibson's violent, and gruesome portrayal of Christ.

The Passion Of Christ

Once again I found myself offended, as a non-Christian Christ fan, at the editing out of the life and ministry of Jesus of Nazareth, in favor of the gruesome details of his death. But it occurs to me that Christianity, in it's modern form is not about the example of Christ's life at all. Christians do not try to live according to the example that Jesus left. Most of them any way. My experience with most Christians is that instead of living by his life example they opt to use his death to coerce non-Christians and Christians alike into self imposed subjugation. This is the spirit that I believe this movie was made in.

Final Analysis

My final analysis of Christ, Christianity, Christian dogma and rhetoric is, I don't give a rats ass that Jesus died for me! What I do care about is that he lived for me. It is in this spirit that I live, as a non-Christian Christ fan striving to follow his example of good will, charity, neighborhood, bristahood, and peace. If Christians wood focus more on how he lived than how he died I believe that the Christian dominated world would be a much better place.

Friday, July 09, 2004

What to blog?

Well the pressure is definately on. I have not been blogging much, at least compared to the blogging of my blogging comrades. I didn't know when I started this that I would be called upon to blog about something ever day. But now I see that they are blogging nightly after work and blogging mostly about work. It's funny how this little thing that I wanted to do has sorta turned into a little underground subculture at my place of employment. It started with me, no matter what anybody tells you, then Malik had a sort of blog revival and brought his previously existing blog out of the closet to be dusted off and set center stage again, then Charles blogged on, then Neena, who has probably been the most active blogger, then Shanta and now Shanta's current bow is in the mix. I've read everyone's blogs and am very impressed. But increasingly folks are coming to me and saying "Kevin when are you gonna post again on your blog." I never knew that this thing was going to be so high pressure but I guess the little blogging community that we've created is a good thing. Why? Becuase I am under pressure to write. Which is good becuase I never write anymore. I used to write everyday as sort of therapy, then I got a therapist. Shit! Now I don't write anymore. Until this THE BLOG!!
Now I'm writing at least weekly about whatever. Nothing fancy or ultra intellectual. I guess that's kind of the appeal of this thing. Being able to publish one's ideas with out having to make sure that those ideas are publication worthy before they are put out to the universe for perusal. It's sortof genius. It's so anti establishment it reeks with the odor of exquisite freedom!!!! I can write whatever I want, and it's published probably more widely than if I was to labor over the idea until it is ready to stick in some magazine that goes to the two book stores in the world that will actually carry magazines with Black Gay content.I simply go free flow and write what ever comes to mind. Vhalah!!!! It's posted! I think that this is the cutest thing. Could I ever say cutest if I was tryna publish through more conventional means? No. Could I piece together this stream of ideas the way that it comes into my head at the speed that it reaches my fingers? No. I love it. Event though it is high pressure.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

HIV Test Results

Giving Results To Another

Last week I delivered positive HIV results to two very young brothas. Both of the above young men were under 25, black and gay. As someone who's job it is to prevent the spread of HIV among young brothas and as some one who is more than aware of the serious lifestyle change that a positive HIV test result demands, I felt very inadequate in the moment. While my cancerian ,mothering and emotional caretaking nature usually kicks in when I am dealing with people from this particular group, I was unable to do this with these young men.

While I have counseled hundreds of people in HIV testing situations, and even teach staff and volunteers at AID Atlanta to provide HIV prevention counseling I have never delivered a positive test result until last week. While I have been taught, theoretically, to locate myself with the client while maintaining the appropriate emotional boundaries I was unable to go to a caring place and say the supportive, reassuring things that I knew that I should say. Something was present in the room with me, most probably inside of me, preventing me from doing from behaving in and attending manner. In that moment I, more than ever, identified with the term "Cat got your tongue." Every time I tried to be nurturing something stopped me and kept me professionally distant from these guys.

In actuality nothing I could say would change the reality that at 19 and 22 years old these brothaz now have to take on a level of responsibility for their lives and there health that most of us are not confronted with until old age. I did not feel that I had the right to try to comfort them about having to abandon the carefree, invulnerable spirit of their youth in favor of life.

I did not.

Giving Results To Myself

So today, while trying to forget the positive results that we had given more positive results in days than we usually give in months, I was asked to demonstrate the rapid test procedure to a co-worker. I did. At first I tried to demonstrate with drawings and descriptions and even a little how-to sheet provided by Orasure Technologies. It did not work. After a minute of fumbling with unopened materials and unused lancets and other medical materials I decided to demonstrate the test on myself.

I did this very routinely without thinking much about it. I've found that I am one of the few people that I know who can actually pierce my own skin to do this procedure. I did that. I then mixed my blood with the test solution and place the reader rod in the test solution. It was only after I had performed the test on myself that every bit of sexual activity that I have participated in in the last few month came hurtling against my consciousness causing beads of sweat to form on my brow. I had not seen a negative test result in weeks and now I was testing myself infront of two people with none of the required counseling. I felt anxious. I was scared to death of what my result was going to be.

My result was negative.


It occurs to me that life, sexual life, for gay men is shrouded in an awful lot of fear. I have for a long time worried about becoming HIV positive even though I have avoided high risk behavior. I have not been penetrated without a condom in a number of years and in the last year I have not been penetrated at all. Well except that time in Dallas. So why am I scared of HIV infection? I think that the reason that I am afraid of becoming infected with is because ever since I understood that I was gay, and that the gay that I am is the same gay that the news casters where talking about when they spoke about AIDS, I have understood, also, that I am meant to get HIV. I have believed somewhere within me, as do many gay men, that HIV infection is somehow in my destiny. Unlearning this belief takes combating messages that I get through the media, through public health agencies and prevention programs and from family and church. In popular culture and common public discourse gay men are spoken of almost synonymously with AIDS and vise versa. When the conversations are being had about so called "Men on the DL," sex with men is conflated with a positive HIV sero status. How can one exist in this culture and not believe that gay men are by virtue of their sexuality HIV positive? I am still struggling to figure this out. I am still experiencing anxiety every time I get tested for HIV and every time I have sex.

Friday, July 02, 2004

I love my job. Yesterday however was a very stressful day. I work to provide HIV prevention services to young black gay and bisexual men. Sometimes in the function of my job I am called upon to provide HIV prevention counseling for people who come in to get tested for HIV.

So yesterday, while I was going along in my day I had to deliver results to two young black gay men. Both of these young men who were under 25 were HIV positive. I was so upset and so unable to function in the moment. I for some reason was not able to be the mother-cancer that I usually am in these sort of situations. Something about delivering positive HIV results to two young brothas was arresting.

It's like, a brotha who is at the beginning of his life and I have to tell him that his life will be forever changed. "You know, In about a month you will have constant diarrhea, head aches, pills pills and more pills, uncertainty, doubt, lowered self esteem, nausea and a host of other symptoms of HIV infection. All the mothering and caring in the world cannot keep your life from being radically changed. My words will not wash away the reality of what is happening inside of your body. So what do I say, what do I do? How do I respond? Referring you to my program will not change that reality. For the first time in my career of supporting young black gay and bi men in atlanta I did not know if I could make a difference. I did not know what to do.